I lost my grandma on May 29th. She passed at home surrounded by family. The year seems to be moving at warp speed and as such, we’re dealing with some of our firsts without her.

My grandparents’ wedding anniversary is July 10, and my birthday is July 11. Our first couple of firsts without her are coming up.

This year, I don’t quite know what to do for my birthday. My grandmother always made sure my birthday was special, and always made sure my birthday party was enjoyable. This year, I don’t know what my birthday holds. This year there is no party.

As these dates are fast approaching, I find myself feeling more and more like I want to cry with each passing hour. Each hour that they get closer I’m filled with a sense of dread, because I don’t know how to celebrate these days without my grandma. I don’t know what it’s going to look like and I’m scared. Fear of the unknown is something I struggle with.

For now, I suppose all I can do is talk about it until those dates come around. I don’t know what else I can do. I can’t bring her back, as much as I want to, and it’s so hard to go on without her, but I’m doing my best. I promised her I’d be okay, and everyday I feel like I’m letting her down.